billgray.biz ... projects in present time - When being a Man is not enough

Is everyone listening? I am a man and I cry.

I have reviewed my life and I can tell you that I have experienced virtually every sort of emotion available. Sure, I can be tough, you know, take the pain, roll with the punches, and not show any emotion. There is a certain amount of life you miss out on when you do this so why on earth should I "be a man about it"?

I got divorced quite a few years ago. Incompatibility, I think, was the term used. The affair she was having certainly didn' 't help in the matter. One minute I was living the family life, the next I was setting up new lodgings and trying to come to terms with the change of lifestyle. Emotionally, it was something I struggled to come to terms with. I loved my family and the world didn' 't care what I thought.

I was looked upon as the bad boy. I was painted as an angry person. I can remember coming back to the house to pick up some gear and my ex standing there with our four year old saying to her “look at your father, this is what he is like, he is an angry person” after we exchanged some pleasantries. At the moment, my youngest daughter has no contact with me.

Just before Christmas, my ex was diagnosed with breast cancer and was operated on. She then had a stint of Chemotherapy. Now before you think that this is one of these nice stories where the family comes together and it is all rosy, forget it! I have no feelings towards this person. In my opinion, If God is true; he is just doing his work, fair and square.

In saying this though, she is the mother of my children and they are great kids. She and I might have misunderstandings but she is a good mother.

Information on how she is traveling is non existent in my world. As I am "the ex" it's not as if I am the center of her discussion group anymore, but we do have Children and they are the most important part of this whole equation (without belittling her health)... I wished to clarify what were her wishes, should the worst scenario present itself. As the father of our children, I do have a say in their future but if we could create some discussion, then my youngest (aged 12) would be totally taken care of in the most unsettling way (if this was ever to become a decision we have to make) The older two are now adults in their own right!

My ex has remarried and although this person married my ex, he didn't marry my kids (although he has been apart of my youngest life since she was 4) I feel it’s important that this conversation takes place as I have no idea on his views either.

How do you broach a subject like this without creating ill will and controversy?

I sent this email to her

Hi there,

First of all can I just say that I hope and trust things are going well with your treatment and whatever else you are going through. I am afraid I have no knowledge of what you are experiencing but it’s something I wish you well for!

I am broaching this subject now, more, as it seems opportunist rather than a good time. I don't know that their will ever be a good time. I am approaching this from the worst possible scenario as I don't know exactly where to start and for all concerned let’s hope that it doesn't go past a discussion.

I wish to discover what your wishes are, for M..., as far as her being taken care of, should the worst possible scenario take place?

Please understand that I am asking what your wishes are. I am guessing that you have had various considerations regarding this and as to what is the best course of action should there be any need to take it. As it is my understanding that I would be required to confirm any decision made, I am asking now so I can also be aware of your wishes. This may help any future course of action be taken as easily as possible, knowing that we all have M...'s best interests at heart.

I apologise for bringing this up, but even ignoring it, the question will never go away and may, at some stage need to be addressed. I really hope that this is not the case.

Hang in there, G... all the best.... Bill

It’s such a hard one, on the one hand, the uneasy peace we have is a godsend but on the other, the facts are glaringly obvious and need to be discussed. I hope someday she will reply.

It also puts a different light on life itself. Let’s hope that I can return to being the "ex"

You may wonder why I have put this up here, I really don't know except to say that cancer seems to affect so many now, and I am "just another one" of the thousands of people on the peripheral who wonder about this... being affected without the crux of being totally involved.

You see, while the main characters in this event go through the day to day happenings, so do others. Responsibility does not drop at the point you feel that it should.

I sit here in another country, not knowing. It’s another emotion I am learning about.

Now whether you are in agreement with me or not, this is about real people. That is something that is easily forgotten about in the heat of the moment. It’s not a matter of anyone being right or wrong, for that matter. Real people are involved here and real people do hurt. All of us. Now, we will be brave, scared and confused etc. We will experience the whole gamut of emotions.

Remember that we only have one shot at this life. We will become bitter and twisted if we hold onto a grudge and that is a sad thing in anyone’s book… but lets separate out grudges and emotion. We are all capable of feeling our emotions without stooping to grudges.

So what is the difference? Well grudges, get evens or anything of the like are directed toward another. These are the uglies of life. This is where you wish harm on someone else.

Emotions are what we feel. It’s an inner conversation we have with ourselves. Sure there may be outward signs but we must clarify that the emotion is the feelings we are going through and everything else is our choice on how we act.

Confusing the two has created this idea that there is something wrong with being emotional. This confusion has lead to people being labeled as being “too emotional” for their own good. It’s not the emotional part that is causing the problem here, it’s their decisions they make while they are feeling emotional.

Setting aside some time to clarify the emotion you are feeling and sorting out the “uglies” from this, enables all of us to make requests that are based on a greater need or a more succinct question and this is uninhibited by any wish to “cause harm” or “get even”

So next time you feel emotional and “ugly” or, someone makes an accusation that there is something wrong with you for being emotional and you want to “let them have it”, take a deep breath and split the “uglies” from the equation. You will have a far easier time of it once these are removed from your feelings.

cheers... Bill

Bill Gray
Bill is a Business Coach. Working with Individuals, Businesses and Organisations to create better environments and to develop and enhance business 'potential', into successful business practices.

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